I know I have posted this before, but gosh darn, it is genuinely funny.
Especially the Queensland bit (and since I am from there, I know):
Happy Australia Day.
"Ode to Australians"
(stolen completely from australiablog.com)
WE ARE ONE
WE,
the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come
from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the
world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we
bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First,
there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final
day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief
marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they
think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next,
there's New South Wales, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with
sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its
capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is
proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up
their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down
south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting,
which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South
Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners
and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can
you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from
anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't
have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections
on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing
convicts and many of them still work there in the government and
business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land.
Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos,
Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the
highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds
have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the
Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live
there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And
there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God
probably made Queensland as it's beautiful one day and perfect the
next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We,
the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in
our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap
in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us
Syd-a-nee is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so
flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get
a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not
that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to
make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our
national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what
if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We
love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock,
the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed
Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras - but chain the pens to the desk.
We
shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed
little people, at least we feel better for it.
You are, I am, we are, Australian.
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!
No other country has this distinction!
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005.
